I have to admit that I get a little bit squirmish when I see online posts and articles that tout “loving yourself” and “self-care.” I'm not sure if it's because I am a geriatric millenial or because I'm a relatively traditional Catholic, but such phrases are not part of my native vocabulary. Both my natural disposition and my theology make me more comfortable with “fast days” and “indulgences” than with “spa days” and “self-indulgence.”
Today's self-care movement is a secular attempt to address some of our deepest human needs. The human body needs good nutrition, exercise, and medical care, while the human heart desperately desires to be known, affirmed, and loved. The recent flurry of best-selling books about self-love is a response to our unhealthy human tendencies toward self-neglect and even self-loathing. After all, we should take care of ourselves and love ourselves, right?
But is the modern self-love movement compatible with the call to Christian charity? The sayings of Jesus seem to call us not to self-love, but self-denial:
“Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (Matthew 16:24-25, NABRE)
“Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will preserve it for eternal life.” (John 12:25, NABRE)
St. Paul warned that we should shun selfishness and follow the self-sacrificial example of Jesus:
Do nothing out of selfishness or out of vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourselves, each looking out not for his own interests, but [also] everyone for those of others. Have among yourselves the same attitude that is also yours in Christ Jesus, Who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God something to be grasped. Rather, he emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, coming in human likeness; and found human in appearance, he humbled himself, becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross (Philippians 2:3-8, NABRE)
One of the greatest theologians of Christian history, St. Augustine, went so far as to say that disordered self-love is the source of sin itself. God created us out of love to live in communion with Himself, but the first humans, Adam and Eve, following the example of the devil, rejected God and turned in on themselves to do their own will, thus creating an ungodly Earthly City to rival the City of God. St. Augustine said:
Two cities, then, have been created by two loves: that is, the earthly by love of self extending even to contempt of God, and the heavenly by love of God extending even to contempt of self. The one, therefore, glories in itself, the other in the Lord; the one seeks glory from men, the other finds its highest glory in God, the Witness of our conscience. The one lifts up its heads in its own glory; the other says to its God, 'Thou are my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.' (City of God, XIV, 28)
The phrase “self-love” thus raises some red flags in the Christian tradition, to say the least. St. Thomas Aquinas summarized succinctly, “self-love is the cause of every sin” (Summa Theologica I-II, 77, 4) He offered this clarification, however:
Now love of self is a good and right thing in itself: wherefore man is commanded to love his neighbor as himself (Leviticus 19:18, Mark 12:31)... Well ordered self-love, whereby man desires a fitting good for himself, is right and natural; but it is inordinate self-love, leading to contempt of God, that Augustine (City of God, XIV, 28) reckons to be the cause of sin.
Self-love is in and of itself a good and necessary thing. God has created each one of us, and he wants us to take care of ourselves - physically, mentally, and, of course, spiritually. The now-popular slogan “Self-care isn't selfish” is true. St. Thomas Aquinas argues at length that Christian charity requires us to love ourselves, including our bodies (see Summa Theologiae II-II, 25, 4 & 5). St. Paul says in the New Testament Letter to the Ephesians, “For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:29, NABRE). Even St. Augustine, commenting on the Lord's commandments to love God and neighbor, says that we ought to love ourselves:
Now God, our Master, teaches two chief precepts: that is, love of God and love of neighbour. In these precepts, a man finds three things which he is to love: God, himself, and his neighbour; for a man who loves God does not err in loving himself (City of God, XIX, 14)
So plan that vacation. Enjoy your hobby. Take a mental health day. Get that gym membership. Spend a little more on nutritious food. Do what you need to do, within reason, to take care of yourself.
But the mantra “Self-care isn't selfish” requires an essential Catholic caveat: If we disregard the will of God or the good of our neighbor in the name of “self-care” or of “loving ourselves,” our self-care has become selfish.
Because we are fallen human beings, there is often a tug of war between our own desires and God's will, and God's will is the only thing that can make us truly happy in this life and the next. St. Paul frequently wrote about this battle between our fallen human nature - our “flesh” - and God's Holy Spirit. “For the flesh has desires against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; these are opposed to each other, so that you may not do what you want” (Galatians 5:17). “For if you live according to the flesh, you will die, but if by the spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live” (Romans 8:13).
If we want to take care of ourselves spiritually, then, there is something within us that the Gospel of Jesus Christ requires us to “deny” and even “hate” - our sin. We give in to our various vices - such as pride, envy, anger, sloth, greed, gluttony, and lust - in hopes of making ourselves happy, but these sins instead draw us away from the only thing that can bring us to true happiness - God himself. Sin is, in essence, looking for joy in things that cannot make us joyful. Our hearts long for the infinite beauty, unchangeable truth, and perfect goodness of God, but sin turns our hearts against God in a vain attempt to seek satisfaction elsewhere. Whenever we desire to do something that is contrary to God's moral law as it's made known through Scripture, Church teaching, and our own well-formed conscience, the best thing that we can do for ourselves is to tell ourselves “no.” As St. Augustine and St. Thomas Aquinas quoted on numerous occasions, “he that loveth iniquity hateth his own soul” (Psalm 10:6, Douay-Rheims).
In the light of the Gospel, we discover that true self-care isn't just loving yourself, but giving yourself in faith, hope, and charity to the God who loves you perfectly and offers us eternal life. If self-care becomes self-enclosed, it becomes spiritual self-sabotage, because it closes us off from the only One who can give us the meaning, joy, and love for which we desperately long. The Gospel does force us to face the ugliness of our own sins, but this ugly truth gives way to the breathtakingly beautiful truth that God desperately loves us anyway, saves us from our sins through Jesus, and gives himself to us in the Holy Spirit. “[T]he love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us.... God proves his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us” (Romans 5:5, 8, NABRE). We can properly love ourselves only in a relationship with the God who is Love.
The best self-care advice that I could give would be to repeat the words of one of my favorite saints, St. Elizabeth of the Trinity: “Let yourself be loved.” Rather than merely looking in the mirror and trying to convince yourself that you are lovable, learn to listen to the Lord speak such words to you in the silence of your heart. Rather than resorting to self-diagnosis when you find yourself in interior pain, seek the prognosis and the prescription of the Divine Physician (along with that of any earthly professionals who may be of assistance). When thoughts of self-doubt or despair begin to creep into your mind, turn in prayer to the God who loves you in spite of your shortcomings. Renounce the lies that you are unlovable, or alone, or hopeless, or rejected, and instead hear Jesus say, “As the Father loves me, so I also love you. Remain in my love.” (John 15:9, NABRE)
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